Hold very tight please ...

In a previous blog there has been mention of a conductor who would do anything to avoid doing a full days duty, well, here's another classic from Douggie's fertile yet devious imagination.

Two thirds the way through our duty for this day Douggie decides he doesn't fancy doing all of the last trip. En route we should pass our change over point where we will be relieved on our return, the journey beyond and return is only about thirty minutes in total. It's a nice easy run from Stamford Hill to Finsbury Park and back. Douggie's latest devious scheme is unknown to me as we ease away from Aldgate bus station on the edge of the City of London towards north London.

W've pulled up at the stop outside the Case is Altered pub in the Whitechapel Road, almost opposite the renowned London Hospital. As I glance into the nearside mirror I see my conductor alight and head towards shops adjacent to the pub, I assume that he has gone to buy essential supplies in the form of twenty Embassy cigarettes. A minute or so later he returns leaving me waiting for the double bell start signal.

Whilst waiting I have a quick look in the nearside mirror again and see passengers alighting from the platform, not just a few but every single one as a glance through the bus shows. 'Here we go again' I thought wondering what was happening this time. Said conductor appeared at the front of the bus and leaned on the bonnet, I opened the cab window and was told that we shall have to wait here until all of our passengers have been transferred to another bus as ours is unfit for service due to vomit on the stairs.

A peremptory inspection of the stairs showed indeed that that the great British traveling public could not ride on our bus. Shortly all passengers had been transferred so my conductor wandered off to phone our home garage to appraise them of the potential delight awaiting the cleaning crew on our return. During his trip to the phone box a Revenue Inspector from another bus came up and asked waht was the problem. He seemed reluctant to accept my version and just had to go and check for himself. My scheming crewmate returned to find the Revenue man throwing up on the stairs saying that our instructions were to take the bus to Ash Grove garage, about halfway between our location and our home garage at Stamford Hill.

Having arrived at Ash Grove our next task is to find the cleaning crew or anyone on the inside staff for that matter, not easy seeing as it is now their official meal relief. Having been told in various ways, polite or otherwise, to go away and wait for about half an hour there was only one thing to be done - retire to the canteen for a cuppa.

Thirty minutes or so elapsed and the inside staff drifted back into the garage. The shift foreman came to assess our problem and stated in no uncertain terms that his men would not clean the offending mess oon the stairs as it was not one of their buses and that we were to return to our home garage. Thus we did as bid and set off on the road again.

Our arrival at Stamford Hill garage was greeted with an air of total indifference by the inside staff who were adamant that the matter of cleaning should be reported to the garage foreman. Eventually this lofty representative of engineering authority was located and acquainted with our dilemma whereupon we were instructed to retire to the canteen and would be told when the vehicle was again fit for service.

Some twenty or so minutes nd yet another cup of tea later the message came that we should return tour bus and continue on our way. So, we dparted from the garage and drove to Stamford Hill Broadway which was the nearest inspector's point to the garage where we needed to seek his decision as to the remainder of our duty. We were now almost an hour late of our scheduled finishing time so were instructed to return to the garage and find the crew due to take over this vehicle which we duly did.

The outcome of Douggie's little scheme was not that we finished early but an hour late. Naturally this extra hour was overtime so we happily took the proffered overtime docket payable at time and a half and handed it iin to the traffic office. End of another interesting day ...

Not the end of the tale however. Just before I went to my car in the car park my mate let me in on a secret. When he had alighted in the Whitechapel Road to purchase what I assumed to be cigarettes was not in fact so. What he had actually bought was a jar of Heinz Vegetables in Gravy baby food and ditributed the contents over the stairs!