Useless

Just fell to wondering how many useless things there are around.

A farmer friend many years ago would express a useless item thus "'Bout as much use as udders on a bull!". Very fair comment methinks.

Of course there are the more common allegories alluding to assorted chocolate items including teapots, teacups and fireguards. Another is suggesting that an ashtray on a motorcycle is somewhat redundant, always assuming that the rider is a smoker.

I've encountered a goodly number of useless things during my life. One that comes to mind was once actually very useful. When moved to France we brought all manner of things with us including a paste table. Very useful you may say but not in our current house. We live in a delightful, four hundred year old stone pigeonnier whose original purpose was to house homing pigeons. The only problem is that not only is the house of stone construction with walls some eighteen thick, very picturesque indeed but the interior walls are also stone of assorted sizes. Wallpaper? You must be joking!

Other useless impedimenta that I have purchased over the years includes quite a few kitchen items, I love cooking and am a sucker for kitchen gadgets. A few have proved very useful, some even indispensable but the majority have found their way to the dustbin.

Today I encountered another really useless item, well, two in fact. Quite costly too at some five billion pounds sterling for the two. The items in question are two new aircraft carriers for Her Majesty's Royal Navy neither of which will be equiooed with aircraft for at least ten years, in fact one will be mothballed as soon as it is completed.

Anyone want to buy an aircraft carrier, delivery mileage only, one careful owner Offers to Liam Fox, defence Secretary, Whitehall, London, SW1.