Grandmas

This really made I larff !



A 6-tear old was asked by his teacher where his Grandma lives.

"Oh", he said, she lives at the airport. When we want to see her we just go and get her in the car. When we've had enough oif her visiting we take her back there."

Now I cannot get rid of the mental image of a large hangar at Bergerac airport full of grannies ...

UK Television News

Just been watching the news on several UK TV channels and without exception they are all majoring on one item - a childish spat between two footballers. Apparently caused because one could not keep his dick in his pants and the other has now spat his dummy out and refuses to play for his country.

Why is this of such vital import when the domestic economy has collapsed, a major catastrophe has just occurred in Chile, desperate times still in Zimbabwe and many other imperative matters going on.

Who cares if an overpaid, overinflated ego of someone whose only apparent skill is kicking an inflated pig's bladder is wounded because of an infidelity? I for one certainly do not.

Now happily going back to Today on Radio 4 for some sensible news reporting ...

Yet another recall

GOD FORCED TO RECALL HUMANS

Friday, February 5th, 2010 at 2:09 pm

 

Mr God, yesterday

There was bad news for God this week as the well-known deity was forced to recall thousands of examples of His popular Human Being after reports that the model could be prone to unexpected attacks of unbelievable stupidity.

Initial reports of blithering idiocy emerged from the United States last year but these were thought to be isolated incidents caused by people who are so thick that if a floormat was touching their accelerator pedal would prefer to scream ‘Aaaaaaargh’ until they drove into a river rather than simply moving the mat backwards with their foot. However, it now seems the monumental stupidity is more widespread and may cause some Human Beings to decide that the best course of action in the event of being in a car with a throttle that won’t release is to telephone someone rather than to, for example, put the fucking car into neutral and bring it to a halt using the brakes as normal.

Jesus Christ, a member of the original God family who now runs his Father’s business, is expected to make a full statement shortly. In the meantime, the Archbishop of Canterbury, a senior manager at God’s UK operation, has told reporters that there are almost certainly Human Beings here in Britain that will need to be examined for signs of being so sodding thick that they probably shouldn’t have a driving licence in the first place. “It’s too early to say how this might affect people in the UK,” Mr Canterbury is quoted as saying. “But we have every reason to believe that there are some Human Beings that may being so brain fartingly stupid that if the throttle in their car became stuck, they would never think simply to depress the clutch and coast to a halt”.

However, it is understood that God’s representatives in the UK are keen to manage any recall as quickly and efficiently as possible, thereby minimising the number of mithering suburban twats who ring in to the Jeremy Vine show on Radio 2 and witter on about how they’re too scared to drive their Yaris to such a blindingly crass degree that listeners eventually start to get a sense of what it would be like if the editor of the Daily Mail did a stool into a syringe and then used it to inject vile reactionary shit into their ears.

As God seeks to clarify the extent of the stupidity problem and establish how many Human Beings will need to be recalled, theologians have been assessing just what has caused the problem of quite extraordinarily thick behaviour in the first place. “I suspect the problem lies in the rather clever engineering God has given the Human Being,” noted Dr Peter Peter Cockandballs of St Gobain College, Oxford. “The modern Human Being is actually remarkably durable and reliable, capable of lasting well over 80 years, but among its clever systems is something called Cognitive Reasoning. Normally this works very well, but over time Human Beings get used to being spoon fed blindingly obvious information such as those signs on motorways that say ‘fog’, and eventually they can just give up trying to have any discernment or ability to think rationally. Basically, the Human Being becomes a stupid moron. Hence the popularly of ITV’s Loose Women”.

Almost here ...

Spring, that is. Arrives some six weeks or so earlier here than in the UK and very welcome it is too. We are enjoying mild weather with some sun and showers, crocuses, daffodils and snowdrops are all popping up. The days are lengthening quite quickly too, not getting dark until turned seven in the evening now.

Our local magpies are busy nest building in between fending off the marauding rooks, our two doves returned a few days ago and will probably be here until late October. We have seen, and heard in the past week or so several huge flocks of cranes heading back to Russia to breed, one of nature's truly magnificent spectacles.

This weekend coming is the last of the annual hunting season so our local wildlife (deer, wild boars, hares ducks and game birds) will now have peace and quiet again until September when the new season begins.

March is almost here, that means the start of the sidecar racing season. I hope to get to a number of French meetings this season as well one or two back in England. One of the few things that I really miss about the UK is the great number of meetings every season to watch whereas they are relatively few here, not made any easier due to the size of France and that we live only two hundred miles from the Spanish border.

"Spring has sprung,
  The grass has riz.
  We know where the birdies is ..."